Pandas. They’re just black and white furry shits Wiggins is reported to have maybe possibly said. When querying the source, this News Agency learnt it was said by a friend of a friend whose cousin knows a man down the pub who swears that “Wiggo” detests the quadruped furballs. Although we could not locate this man, we did receive a direct message on twitter from someone - who cannot be named - who verified that indeed “this could be something Bradley would say for sure, I know he doesn’t like bamboo. He’s never said anything about pandas but could be yeah?”. No further confirmation required.
At Edinburgh zoo, Bob the Panda merely sighed in response and remarked “I always liked that nice Chris Froome”, while the meerkat family have put themselves on high alert for this villainous man.
Refusing to toe the partyline, Ken the lemur commented, “um, this seems rather sensationalist and all out of proportion, no? ” and went back to perusing his copy of Ulysses.
Bradley Wiggins was not available for comment on this story. Regardless it is thought his opinions on lorises (“slow motherfuckers”) and tapirs (“big-nosed lazy gits”) would be similarly sour.
[Needless to say, this is not true. All made up.]
Niger rower Hamadou Djibo Issaka received a rapturous reception from the Eton Dorney crowd despite finishing dead last in the men’s singles sculls.
The 35-year-old, who has been nicknamed “Issaka the Otter,” finished the 2,000m stretch in just under nine minutes in a race to settle the bottom three places.
Issaka only took up rowing three months ago and trained for his Olympic debut in an old fishing boat.
Issaka is a wildcard entry at the London Olympics and before the Games he worked as a gardener and swimming pool attendant in the capital of Niamey.
He was then sent by the Niger Swimming Federation to Egypt and then Tunisia for an intensive course in rowing.
“I have no technique,” Issake said. “I only rely on power. I compete with courage, but there also people cheering me there, they applaud me and urge me to help me finish my race and I will do it.”